The types of advertisements you see, in places where you hate seeing advertisements

The ubiquity of advertising is an essential aspect of modern society. Regardless of how you feel about being inundated with companies trying to sell you products at all times, the truth is that without advertising, our world would not function. The Internet pretty much runs on “Click here for half off your next Fresco Burrito Supreme at Taco Bell” and “Meet local singles!” You wouldn’t be reading this blog, or even find the link to it on Facebook or Twitter (or that one random guy that follows me on Tumblr, hey Roy!), without Madison Avenue. So, with advertising, like America, #LoveItOrLeaveIt.

That being said, there are places where you hate seeing pitches; where the thought of even entertaining buying something makes your blood boil.  These ads immediately become ineffective because you view it with an instant tinge of hatred. Only the most desperate of brands engage in associating themselves with the following locales, so you can take solace in the fact that they are probably not even around anymore by the time you read this post.

Without further adieu, the top three places where I hate seeing advertisements:

A. Public Transportation 

Why you hate it: Because the only thing that stands between Work You and Sitting On Your Couch Eating Delicious Dinner Food You is the MBTA. And basically that is like crossing paths with the Balrog every single day, and even he smells better than the bearded dude

Cooler whips too. Get it?!?

who wears only one Bruins jersey that always sits next to you between North Station and Community College. You’re miserable. You’re tired. You need relaxation. And yet you find yourself surrounded by hundreds of others rats racing home in the same mood. The last thing you want is that damned new pair of red heels from Nordstroms staring you right in the face. And why are there so many suicide prevention clinic advertisements on subway trains?

Top four industries that advertise here:

  1. Suicide prevention clinics
  2. High-end female fashion lines
  3. Online college enrollment
  4. Depression research studies

Advertisers’ target demographic: You are a depressed female who has only one of two options: commit suicide, or shop. You are unhappy with your current job, probably due to pay or responsibilities, but don’t want to commit to going back to school. You find yourself questioning everything you stand for while stuffed into the corner of a subway train; the smells, the sounds and the sights forces you to silently pray for escape. You will probably go home and drink yourself into a stupor while watching Girls on HBO, wishing your life was that glamorous.

The perfect target: Winona Ryder from “Girl, Interrupted” combined with Isla Fisher from “Confessions of a Shopaholic,” so…Lindsay Lohan

B. On your windshield

Why you hate it: Because from a distance they look like parking tickets, so you are immediately pissed. Your first instinct as you approach your car is to glance at the company that put the flyer there, type the name into your phone, and give them negative 1,000,000 stars on Yelp. Then you crunch it up and toss it onto the street, where you notice hundreds of other crumpled flyers. At this moment, everyone agrees that Mother Nature can take a hike.

Top four industries that advertise here:

  1. Jehovah’s Witnesses
  2. The local Italian restaurant that just opened up
  3. …I’m not sure. Usually the flyer’s on the ground by now.

Advertisers’ target demographic: You are hungry, for meatballs, or for God. You yearn for spiritual enlightenment, or half-priced breadsticks. You are tired of confusing Jehova with Aunt Jemima, and just wondered why Italian food never embraced maple syrup.

The perfect target: Ned Flanders the day after Ash Wednesday

C. On Demand TV shows

Why you hate it: Because you never really stopped watching Saturday morning cartoons, only now instead of Rocko’s Modern Life and Rugrats, your new cartoons are Parks and Recreation and Community. And last Saturday, with your frosted mini-wheats happily placed in your lap and OJ by your side, wearing slippers and athletic shorts, you popped on the latest episode of Parks On Demand, only to be greeted with this lovely message: “Fast Forwarding may be disabled during this program.”

What the hell does that mean: “May be disabled” ? What a bunch of BS. What they really mean is “Oh it’s on now. ‘Maybe’ means ‘absolutely!’ From now on, you’re watching our commercials, and you’re gonna like them, bitch!”

Top four industries that advertise here:

  1. The station that you’re already watching
  2. Car insurance
  3. The child reading initiative that every station seems to do now
  4. The show that airs on said station every Friday night at 10:30

Advertisers’ target demographic: You secretly hate the remote control, and wish you could fast forward to that great time in human history where can use your finger to control the television. You often become so lazy that you will watch the same station, regardless of what is on. Your liberal yuppy guilt makes you feel bad for those little kids who grow up never having experienced Dr. Seuss. After all these years, you admittedly still find the Geico Gecko kind of funny. Why does he have an Australian accent?!?! They never explained that. Can he throw a boomerang? Does he like Kiwis? There are still so many ways they can go with him.

The perfect target: It’s me. They basically got me pegged on this one.

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