The Five Most Anticipated Movies of the Upcoming Holiday Season (Based on their Posters)

A movie buff, I am not. My favorite movie this year was Ted. Film making is a mode of artistic expression that largely escapes me. I’m pretty sure the definition of a well-executed screenplay is anything Martin Scorcese does, which means “add Rolling Stones songs to the background, at all times.”  From what I gather, good production refers to any movie set in the Civil War, or Forest Gump (which also had good screenplay, I guess?). And I am a devout believer in the words of war hero Kirk Lazarus: “You never go full retard.”

That does not mean I don’t enjoy a good trip to the theater, and like many others I get excited for this time of year, when the movie studios release their best films in advance of the Academy Awards; when A-list actors give their best performances; when innovative technology and effects shower us in visual splendor; and Matt Damon buys a zoo.

Pictured: The smile of a man who just made millions of dollars talking to monkeys and tigers and looking at Scarlett Johannson for a couple hours.
Otherwise known as: Lucky Bastard

What I lack in the realm of cinema expertise, I more than make up for in the ability to recognize a damn good movie poster, because nine times out of 10 they are better made than the movie itself. With that being said, the following five movies from the upcoming fall and winter seasons particularly intrigue me; mostly because they look fucking horrible:

1. #HOLDYOURBREATH

So that’s how the hot chick from 30 Rock stays incredibly skinny… Zombie-induced bulimia! Listen up, you annoying newly pregnant mom in the Walking Dead- you’re losing your baby weight quick so that you can look good while bitching at Rick in season 3.

A slight aside on #HOLDYOURBREATH: It was only a matter of time before a hashtag found its way in to a movie title. However I don’t think that this was a good way to start. I predict that #HOLDYOURBREATH will undoubtedly turn into the hashtag for girls looking for tips on how to look like Katrina Bowden through unhealthy methods.

2. Stolen

This. Is. What. I’m. Talking. ABOUT. It’s been what, 3 weeks since Nic Cage has been in a movie? Let’s never go that long without seeing this beautiful mug again.

I would love to have been a fly on a wall when the movie execs developed the plot line for this one…

“OK, so our survey results just came back. It says that every single person in the world loved Taken. They want more Taken, but they already have one sequel coming out this year. How do we capitalize on Taken fever?”

“Make another movie exactly like it?”

“Brilliant! But who would star in such a blatant rip off?”

“Nic Cage, obviously.”

“Genius. He’ll do anything as long as we provide him with free Red Bull and Vodkas and Domino’s pizza.”

“Of course. But how do we differentiate it enough so that we don’t get sued?”

The movie execs stare about the room silently in contemplation, gazing at the film and television posters hanging upon the walls. Inspiration strikes at sight of A Few Good Men, with Kiefer Sutherland standing in the background.

“Got it! We take 24, and divide it by 2, so there’s only 12 hours. Twice the action, half the attention span for our audience.”

“Love it…keep it coming.”

“And we add in 10 million dollars.”

“No explanation even necessary, because that is that good of an idea! What do we name it? ‘Even more taken’? ‘Takenest’? ‘#Taken’? ‘Fuck Yeah Taken!’?”

The other movie exec whips out his iPhone and goes to Thesaursus.com. He scrolls through the various options, and looks up in calm confidence…

“Stolen”

“Brilliant!”

3. Hello I Must Be Going

“Hello, I must be going. But first let’s have sex in this pool!”*

*Title of New Carly Rae Japsen song?

4. Zero Dark Thirty

You want to know how ashamed Columbia Pictures is of Zero Dark Thirty? They won’t even show its name in their movie poster! When does it come out? December Doesn’t matter… never… whatever. Pay no attention to this poster. Go see Stolen!

Update: The marketers got to me. I had to do some research on this mysteriously advertised film. It’s actually by the writer and director of The Hurt Locker, and is about the assassination of Bin Laden. It’s going to be huge, Jerry. Huge! It will almost certainly be nominated for Best Picture, and one of the unknown actors in it will skyrocket to fame, just like the lead actor in The Hurt Locker. And therefore you can disregard everything else written by me in this blog.

5. Trouble With The Curve

What happened to Clint? The king of movie bad-assery was as recently as four years ago pulling fake guns on thugs in the most intentionally unintentional hilarious movie in recent memory, Gran Torino. Then the legendary star of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly wrapped himself in a whole lotta’ ugly. The Invictus, Hereafter and J.Edgar trifecta of trash left many asking if Clint finally lost his fastball.

Turns out he just had some serious Trouble With The Curve. Man this movie looks horrible. Purely by the poster (I have managed to avoid the recent bombardment of commercials), I’m assuming that Clint plays a grumpy old dude who doesn’t want tough-nosed former tomboy Amy Adams to be with young punk Justin Timberlake. Then a bunch of stuff happens, Clint acts like an old guy, does funny old guy stuff, tells JT how sucky his generation is, relents because Amy cries, and then everybody is happy in the end. There you go, just saved you the $3.99 you would have possibly spent renting this On Demand, because, let’s face it, you ain’t seeing this movie in theaters.

When you take into consideration his political Super Bowl commercial in which nobody could figure exactly what the political message was, his RNC speech in which nobody could figure out who he was talking to, and this recent flick, in which nobody can figure out why he’s still acting, it’s been a tough year for Dirty Harry. All I have to say is, good thing he is comfortable talking to empty chairs, because that will be his only company in theaters showing Trouble With The Curve.

“Damn you Obama, and your new-fangled invisible clones!!!!”
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