Boston boasts one of the country’s largest sports markets, due in large part to the tireless efforts of our local media. These five members of the Hub’s sports press are those with the best faces for radio…
5. Brian Scalabrine
Never has there been a taller dude with a Napoleon complex. Don’t be fooled by the pudgy leprechaun face which appears to have consumed a few too many marshmallow rainbows- this is a bitter, bitter man. I mean, look at these eyes:
That’s what a short career as a relatively non-athletic ginger in the NBA will do. When you consider yourself a professional and everyone else considers you a human victory cigar, tossed out onto the court in garbage time so that fans can chant your name (“Scal-a-brine-eee! Scal-a-brine-eee!”), you become angry. You become determined to prove the masses wrong. You hit the gym. You develop your jump shot and half-court D. You become the fiercest competitor with the largest chip on his shoulder.
Unfortunately, when you look like a real-life Jackie Moon, none of that matters because you were destined to be in the Boston sports media market instead. Welcome home, Scal!
Oh yeah, and his self-appointed nick name is the White Mamba… like, an albino snake? Gross. You goofy-ass ginger.
4. Glenn Ordway
Robert Kraft, Thomas Menino, and Glenn Ordway- together they comprise a prestigious sect of Boston’s socio-elite entitled “The Chicken Nugget Club,” so named because they all have achieved great success despite being shaped exactly like a McDonald’s chicken nugget. The Big-O makes this list because picturing a chicken nugget with a mustache is nearly throw up-inducing. Unless if you frequent the McD’s in Davis Square. You can’t be surprised by anything you get there.
3. Freddy Smerlas
In college I worked daytime bartending shifts at Mary Ann’s in Cleveland Circle. You meet some characters working days at a bar with no windows, but the Big Goons stand alone in terms of sheer initial intimidation.
There were a lot of Big Goons, but they all were essentially the same. Big Goons walk like a gorilla, with their portly stomachs leading them to the first available barstool with no one seated to its immediate right or left. Big Goons only grimace because to smile with their fat lips would require too much physical exertion, exertion which is only to be spent lifting their pints to those same lips. Their main defensive tactic is to look like dickheads who would crush your head at the first suggestion of cardiovascular activity or vegetables.
However, what you quickly learn about Big Goons after striking up a conversation is that, for the most part, they are actually really nice, extremely dumb guys. Their Boston accents don’t improve their chances of being mistaken for a gentlemanly scholar, but Big Goons want to give you their opinion about the Pats O-line, and always ask for yours in return.
Well you don’t need to hear Freddy Smerlas speak to immediately place him as a Big Goon. But when you catch a note of his ridiculous Waltham inflection as he splurges praise for Tom Brady on WEEI as one of Boston’s most respected football analysts, you realize what Freddy is- a Big Goon who made it big.
2. Andy Gresh
I know what you’re saying: “But I don’t get it. Why is this guy not in the Chicken Nugget Club? Look at him. He would be King Nugget.”
And that’s exactly why. If Andy Gresh were a McNugget it would be so bloated and giant that a picture of it would inevitably go viral on the Internet, forcing McDonald’s to issue a public apology and promise an improvement in product quality. Honestly, if the Gresh nugget were found in a 10-piece, the fallout would be so severe that it might spell the end to fast food as we know it.
Yes, that’s right Andy- you are the fat mutated nugget and future McDonald’s PR nightmare. Don’t even try to dip in the same BBQ sauce as Nugget Robert Kraft and Nugget Mayor Menino.
1. Dan Shaughnessy
The thing is I can’t really say anything about this guy’s appearance that hasn’t already been said a million times elsewhere. When your name becomes synonymous with “the Boston sports dude who wears an Irish chia pet as a toupee,” you have officially earned your spot as the goofiest looking guy in the Boston sports media.
Eat your heart out, ladies.