Breaking: Id Est Fid Obtains Scientific Logs That Will Leave You Shocked!!


Labs are where miracles become science, where the unexplained is solved, and where James Franco befriends a hairy monkey not named Seth Rogen. With that in mind, let’s go back to 2003, when scientists at Michigan State University were able to pinpoint the exact time at which, through the evolutionary process, a new species was born.

From Pineapple Express

In 1978, the researchers wanted to see how a species change over thousands of generations. The species: that green thing at the top of the post, called escherichia coli. In 1995, around generation 31,500 they saw that a single escherichia coli organism essentially fucked up when reproducing and accidentally made an extra gene. Well, it turns out that the extra gene gave it the ability eat citrate whenever it wants as opposed to normal escherichia coli, which can only eat citrate when it’s near death. (Kind of weird to think that a species could only eat something when it’s about to keel over, like a genetically ingrained last meal.)

Fast forward eight years later, to 2003. Around generation 50,000 thw mutation had essentially reached a tipping point among the colony, and the citrate-devouring version exploded in population. The result: an officially brand new species.

Imagine that? You spend 25 years of your professional life analyzing little transparent cells in petrie dishes, and 99.9% of the time nothing happens. Then…BANG! You document the actual act of evolution, and create a whole new species in the process.

Well you actually don’t have to imagine because, through my incredible journalistic skills, I was able to obtain a log of daily records from the lab which dictates daily occurrences and activities. I present to you, without further analysis or introduction, some notable highlights:

September 19, 1978: We are commencing the labs 56th exploration of Escherichia coli today. Target research includes cell evolution over many generations, cell growth, cell manipulation, and how the bacteria respond to various environmental and biological stimuli. It doesn’t get better than this, folks.

September 21, 1978: Cells in all experimental petri dishes have grown between 300 and 400 percent in size. We haven’t even begun experimenting yet. Truly incredible findings almost immediately. I mean, they’re supposed to grow; they’re cells. But still, just incredible.

Setember 30, 1978: BREAKING: By adding corn starch to cells with greater than 56% viscosity, internal nuceli will grow at a rate that is .0000026% faster than any internal nuclei growth ever recorded- IN HISTORY. We’re making history in here after 12 days. Other monumental findings sure to come, so we will hold the champagne for later.

(For administrative purposes only: Corn Starch was not among the original stimuli to be added to Escherichia coli petrie dishes. New hire Dr. Jerry Foreman poured sweet & sour sauce into petrie dish no. 007, mistaking it for a dipping container. Even in error Jerry continues to prove why he is as promising a young researcher as we’ve had here in years.)

October 29, 2978: Cells continue to grow.

December 4, 1978: Cells continue to grow.

January 31, 1978: Cells continue to grow.

March 4, 1978: New species created today!!!! Nah, just joking, cells continue to grow.

September 19,1979: Cells continue to grow. One year in and the only stimuli that has produced positive response is sweet & sour sauce. Morale is still high, and results will come any day now, but assistants are visibly more guarded in their expectations.

December 3, 1981: Cell no. 237,659,002 moved eight nanometers today. Cause of move unknown. Excitement is palpable in the lab.

December  5, 1981. Cause of movement determined. Jerry had bumped the table.

April 23, 1982: Red blotch appears without origin between cells 986 and 987 in petrie dish 0012. Unprecedented. We are on to something big.

April 24, 1282: Red blotch origin determined. Jerry spilled pizza sauce the night before and tried to clean it up without anyone noticing. He forgot about the petrie dishes. On a side note, I fired Jerry today.

Editor's note: poor Jerry.
Editor’s note: poor Jerry.

December 4, 1984: Cells continue to grow. Lab morale is low today. Our funding has been cut in half; we were told they are going to a new government initiative called “Iran Contra”- something about coffee. Sounds noble.

May 22, 1986: Cells continue to grow. On a personal note, yesterday I started taking a new energy supplement/muscle builder called Human Growth Hormone to get ready for the summer months. Thus far I feel great.


August 7, 1989: When dancing when one wants to, does he or she also need to leave their friends behind? Are those two actions independent of one another, or are they interrelated? Will have to develop hypothesis tomorrow for initial testing.

February 14, 1991: Why am I so lonely? Will anyone love me as much as I love Escherichia coli?

October 22, 1994: Remember Jerry ? That fat idiot who spilled shit everywhere? I heard today that he got a new job at some company called “Google.” They do something with the Internet. Like THAT’S gonna last. What an idiot! Jerry’s a fucking google. Moron.



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