We all know that YouTube isn’t exactly a bastion of high quality video content. For every enlightening expose on using drones to protect orangutans in their native habitat, there’s about 2.3 million of whatever the hell this is.
That being said, there’s a special place in hell for the following five clips. They are the most putrid, horrendous, horrifyingly awful, awfully horrifying YouTube videos of 2013.
And yes, I know it’s a little late for a 2013 recap blog. But there’s a lot of YouTube videos. So…
5) The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?)
You know how surprised I was when I found out these fools are from Sweden? About negative million percent surprised. This video is so Swedish it’s gross. There are rampant Swedish stereotypes that reinforces our negative assumptions of the Swedes everywhere: random people performing horrible synchronized dances, absurd and childish lyrics, and, of course, an obsession with animals that borders on bestiality.
When are the Swedes going to start showing some self-respect and get out of this horrible funk that pervades their country and shadows their culture? I’m so tired of their act. The nonsense, the crazy Internet videos, the digital-obsessed culture that seems to have lost track of the real world…
Grow up, Sweden.
UPDATE: After a little more research, I have determined that apparently none of those stereotypes of the Swedes and Swedish culture actually exists.
And Ylvis is from Norway.
4) How Animals Eat Their Food
I now wish all those animals were extinct.
I’ll be honest- a few weeks ago I received an email from YouTube congratulating me for being among the first 20% of people to see this video.
There are two reasons why I do not deserve any congratulations for doing so:
A. Being among the first 20% means that I was one of the first 18 million to view How Animals Eat Their Food. All of New York City could have watched it twice, and then Michael Bloomberg could have watched it a million times himself and it still wouldn’t be at 20% of the total views this P.O.S has accrued.
B. I was in some way responsible for this video’s, and therefore the glasses dude’s success. Why couldn’t he have just knocked himself unconscious when he was wearing the pink suit? THAT would have made for a good clip.
3) Dancing Queen
You know what would have made this video better? A shit sandwich. This is the only time in human history in which a shit sandwich would have added value to something. That’s how bad this video is.
2) Drinking Toilet Water on the Rocks
We’ve all heard the popular proverb “I think, therefore I am.” After watching this video, I now tragically know that’s not true. The person who made this obviously doesn’t think, therefore he can’t be. But somehow, this video still exists.
It is a video that reaches philosophical levels of turribleness.
UPDATE: Literally about four minutes after I published this blog, a random dude emailed me saying that the logic is incorrect in my “think therefore I am” argument. Well if my logic is incorrect, then I should not have to not follow logical flaws in future arguments, and therefore he should not be allowed to not email me when I don’t post logical or illogical arguments in blogs.
Boom. Roasted logically.
1) Miley Cyrus- We Can’t Stop
Many years from now, when historians are attempting to pinpoint the exact moment that popular culture reached its low point, I’m convinced they will look to We Can’t Stop.
We Can’t Stop is a veritable smorgasbord of everything wrong with intersection of music videos and YouTube. We got blatant product placement. We got disturbing images that think they mean something but don’t. We got random teddy bears. We got a sorry excuse for a song. We got twerking. And most of all, we got Miley Cyrus.
So thank you Miley, and the rest of our winners, for making 2014 a year we are all looking forward to!
BONUS: My favorite video.