The Five Best Parts of the Sochi Opening Ceremonies

Opening ceremonies are ridiculous. Russia’s ridiculous. Put them together and you got some of the best, most bizarre “live” television you can come across in the doldrums of February.

Here are the best five parts of the Sochi opening ceremonies:

5) The Floating Head of John Elway



Why was John Elway’s noggin floating around with a hammer during the opening ceremonies? Because fuck you. This is Russia. If Putin wants a giant replica of the Broncos hall of fame QB’s cranium, he gets it. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he kidnapped Elway to get the head perfectly right. Then he shot him, manhunter style.

"Yes, run little Elway. Run."
“Yes, run little Elway. Run.”

I mean, have YOU seen Elway anywhere the past few days? Exactly. Putin probably stole his Super Bowl rings too.

4) Giant smiley bear who’s obviously crying on the inside


I’ve never seen a bear trying so hard to mask his own feelings and failing so horribly. I mean, look at the eyes:





I don’t blame him. First off, they got his legs chained to a rock and/or petrified alligator. Second, being a bear in Russia must suck. Putin probably shot the rest of this dude’s family himself and everyone knows that bears dislike vodka.

There’s about a 95% chance Smiley Bear tried to pass himself off as a stray dog after the ceremony.

3) Tickle Me Elmo

2014 Winter Olympic Games - Opening Ceremony

“Oh look at me. I’m sooooo Russian. I flamboyantly cut red steel with a sparkler. So much red steel, so little time. I demand higher wages! Unless if I make more money than you- then I demand lower wages!”

We get it, Russia. You like red more then Taylor Swift. But you’re not taking it from us. These colors don’t run.


2) Daft Punk music video scene that was left on the cutting room floor


I had assumed that every single person on the stage was shitfaced, but this made me realize that more than just Stoli was being passed around. These guys literally think they are on a different, more fun planet where everyone happily travels by rollerblade.

They appear to be shifting through time and space, leaving the trails of their former selves in a flourescent, electric path. Therefore I’m guessing MDMA, but will not rule out LSD and PCP.

P.S.- How about those Russian cops singing “Get Lucky”? Fucking Putin, what a gas!

Funniest guy in Russia? Or funniest guy in Russian history?
Funniest guy in Russia? Or funniest guy in Russian history?

1) Swag Tiger


This dude straight up dominated. While Smiley Bear is trying to get a hold of Elmo’s sparkler to stick into his own head, Tiger’s going full out swag mode. Look at that pose: head proudly raised, paws stretched wide, tail fully erect and throbbing. Swag Tiger is on the prowl for some pussy…cats’ digits.

I imagine that the life of a Tiger in Russia must be incredible, if Swag Tiger is any indication. They probably are treated like royalty, given all the tuna fish they want, any type o-


Goddamn you, Putin!


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